Each new generation finds its own unique way of expressing itself through fashion. Problem is, this has been going on for so long that designers frequently run out of good ideas. That's where the bad ideas come in. Welcome to a sad rundown of the 20 worst fashion trends of our time.
20. SAGGY PANTS & BOXERS
These two guys think they look hecka cool. They also appear to be taking a leak. It would seem that they could each use a belt.
Above: This guys mom bought him a belt and he STILL couldn't figure it out. The highly technical skill of getting dressed simply eludes people like the young men pictured above.
As a result of the growing number of grown men who dress like they are sitting on a toilet, the “boxers or briefs” controversy has once again reached the Oval Office. President Obama has officially addressed the issue with characteristic class: “I think passing a law about people wearing sagging pants is a waste of time. That being said, Brothers should pull up their pants.”
The solution, of course, is to promote this style among wealthy boys at upscale prep schools.
19. BUTT WORDS
Words scrawled across the backside of women's sweatpants. Because they know you are looking, you see. So they are trying to tell you a little bit about themselves. Is it OBVIOUS enough for you?
ABOVE: These girls look like wives of the Seven Dwarfs - Sassy, Bossy, Flashy, Naughty and Cranky. Snow White better steer clear, especially from the one on the far right. For some reason, women think they need to interrupt a man's daily butt-watching activities to bring you these important messages.
ABOVE: It's two stupid fashion trends for the price of one. Not only are these girls guilty of Butt Words, but they've embraced that infuriating habit of wearing the word “PINK,” regardless of whether or not they are wearing the color pink. Come to think of it, it's even more stupid if you are wearing the color pink.
Everyone makes fun of Crocs, those ugly rubber shoes with the holes in them, available in many nauseating colors. But Crocs are extraordinarily popular with celebrities, whose children are often seen wearing them. For one thing, they practically glow in the dark, serving the same purpose as a bike reflector. As an added bonus, Crocs are a major trip hazard, so children who are trying to escape from their parents will not get very far on foot.
17. CYCLE SHORTS
These men need no introduction. They are far too familiar already. What they need is to keep more of their information to themselves. These are the men who make saggy pants look good. Seriously, guys, when we ladies wish to see that, we will let you know. The designer of this monstrous getup should have included a matching apron or something. Perhaps the look would be less inappropriate if their uniforms endorsed some kind of product, like condoms, or jock itch cream, or Viagra, for instance. We already knew what was holding up those saggy gangsta pants some guys wear. You didn't have to show us.
16. DIRT WASHED JEANS
Speaking of running out of good ideas, Levi Strauss long ago exhausted its supply of ways to make pants. High rise. Low rise. Straight leg. Flare. Zip fly. Button fly. Barely There. Levi's designers have even resorted to the ill-fitting look. But just in case an ass-flattening construction wasn't ugly enough for you, most styles were available pre stone-washed so they looked already old. It had all been done.
That's when some corporate Dilbert at the Levi Head Office came up with yet another major fashion don't: Dirt-washed jeans. Yep, jeans washed in dirt. We already sell jeans that look old. Why not sell jeans that look dirty?...
Because women don't LIKE anything that looks dirty, you morons. THAT'S why. Unfortunately, stupid people will buy whatever a catchy TV commercial tells them to buy. So for a while the dirty look was in, until guys finally figured out they couldn't get a date that way.
15. FANNY PACKS
The cheesy carry bag shown below is just one of millions of available fanny pack designs, which all have two things in common. One, they are worn around the waist, and two, they are UGLY! The fanny pack's perfect score on the ugly scale must be some kind of fashion world record. Available styles include ugly, uglier, ugliest and tacky. Choose from a broad range of ugly colors. Ruin your silhouette with a big unsightly lump along your midsection. But a fanny pack does keep your hands free to buy more ugly stuff you don't need. So, yay!
ABOVE: A really, really tiny deer died to make this pouch.
ABOVE: This man appears to have something to hide.
ABOVE: Rhianna rocks the Rob-Me-I'm-Rich look, with a fat leather fanny pack pouch covered in tacky golden dollar signs. Other than that, girl looks like a hobo.
14. FURRY BOOTS:
Why do short women keep finding ways to look shorter? And why is it that Snookie's feet are cold, but not her legs and cleavage? Is it the New Jersey weather? For the answers to these and other important questions, ask someone who cares.
13. AGE-INAPPROPRIATE MINIS
Bruce, honey? Does this dress make me look 56?
12. THE OLSEN TWINS:
Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen. You hated them on Full House. Why stop there? These two clueless fashion victims are who you might expect to meet if you knocked on the door of a haunted castle.
ABOVE LEFT: How perfectly they blend their shapeless overcoats with ugly bags and unflattering hair styles. They should at least carry one of those alligator backpacks with their name on it. You know, the one that costs $450,000? No, that is not a joke. These two mass marketing whores will put their name on anything.
ABOVE RIGHT: Mary Kate and her 90-year-old grandma on the red carpet. Oh, wait. That's Ashley.
BELOW: Mary Kate is wearing a smock from an art class, with her hair tied up as if to avoid getting paint on it. But we're so glad Ashley could take time out from her busy schedule of staring at oncoming headlights to be here.
Just when you thought Suri Cruise should be ashamed of herself, this trend saves the day! Really, some folks will do just ANYTHING to annoy their parents. Oh, well. At least it shuts them up a while.
According to Every Body, Every Wear (a fabulous fashion glossary available on Amazon), peplum is a skirt-like piece of fabric worn around the waist. But the definition fails to answer the obvious question: Why???
Most women do not WANT their hips to look bigger.
Some women do not NEED their hips to look bigger.
9. GLADIATOR SHOES:
It seemed like a good idea at the time, when the time was three thousand years ago. But more recently, a fashion designer thought all those straps looked pretty cool, and next thing you knew, these sandals were available in every conceivable style. Eventually, you could not find a woman who wasn't wearing these bondage-inspired eyesores.
ABOVE: Gladiator high tops and Gladiator boots. By the time you get these buckled on, the party's over. Maybe it's just as well, because these shoes are ugly.
Nike Gladiator... um... athletic shoes? Okay, enough already.
8. PAJAMAS IN PUBLIC:
This trend spread like a virus when Selena caught it from Miley and gave it to her dorky boyfriend. Miley sports flannel jammies with little puppy dogs on 'em. Selena classes it up with silk. Justin is wearing the sleepwear his mom bought for him at Target when he was eight. Thanks, spoiled rich kids, for cutting out of that slumber party to grace us red carpet fogies with your too-cool-for-school presence.
7. SKIN-TIGHT PANTS:
This massive style misstep functions like a neon sign that says, “I think I have a really fine ass. Don't you agree?”
Rhianna, you look like a swamp thing in search of a meal. And Russell Brand, when we wish to know the details your junk, we will ask Katy Perry to write another song. Seriously, man, we know you're a comedian, but your clothing is not supposed to be the funny part. NOBODY looks good in skin-tight pants. Are you listening, Justin Theroux?
6. TATTERED LEGGINGS:
Not even Kendall Jenner can rock this look. Even the guy behind her seems to be going, “Oh.. I don't think so.” The point of this design is hard to imagine. And by the way, leggings don't look good on their own, not even unslashed, and not even on Kendall Jenner. We can ALL learn from this mistake, in addition to those six other mistakes Kris Jenner made.
5. DESIGNER TRACK SUITS:
It's a velour-hooded jacket and matching pants, available in many cheesy colors. These slick designs are popular with rich ladies and crack heads who want you to think that the reason why they are so skinny is because they work out with a personal trainer. Liposuction and a glass pipe have nothing to do with it, they swear.
4. UGG BOOTS: The fact that you don't have to try these on to see how ugly they are is a gigantic clue.
But count on Miley Cyrus to miss it. And fashion plate Kate Hudson knows how well a pair of big warm Uggs offset a lightweight micro mini in 100-degree weather. Smart choice, Kate!
3. THE NO-PANTS LOOK:
A trend involving women wearing jackets, blazers or long shirts, paired with... well, nothing. The trend died out quickly when people kept saying, “Hey lady! You forgot to where pants.” And let's face it. No one is going for the I-Need-Special-Nurses-to-Help-Me-Get-Dressed look.
ABOVE LEFT: The sweet lady on the right looks like the unsuspecting victim of a mean prank played on her by the popular girl on the left, who appears to be preventing her escape. How disturbing.
ABOVE RIGHT: Miley embraces yet another tacky trend, which may or may not be a joke.
Short skirts worn over other garments. Um... no.
ABOVE: Not even the world's top models can rock this look. As for the lady on the far right, will someone please show the stilt walker to the circus tent? CAUTION: Ordinary women who try to look like these ladies end up looking like...
...this lady. She looks about ready to jump. Or at least we here at the fashion police headquarters think she probably should. Who could blame her?
1. HAREM PANTS
ATTENTION FASHION FEEBS! This just in: Harem pants only look good on genies whose feet are still stuck in the lamp. And yet, every decade they try to make a comeback, only to be laughed back into the cornfield of fashion design two weeks later. Please don't make us keep telling you this.
ABOVE: Granted, there may be no help for this man's look, but Psy, we'd really like you to wear something else. You can keep the other two wishes.